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If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
adding to the discourse
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”