Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
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911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.