*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
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i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
☠️☠️☠️
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.