I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
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I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.