My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
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I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Passed by a old school Math example today.