I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are