[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
But I really needed water water water
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*