If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
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Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems