I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
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due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?