astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
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I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*