Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
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Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.