Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
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*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.