Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
You Might Also Like
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I’m Sold!