People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
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13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.