I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
You Might Also Like
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?