[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I ate everything, including the H.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.