Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
You Might Also Like
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?