Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
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[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
me: my friends:
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.