[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
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When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.