69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
finally found a reasonable question
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.