To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
You Might Also Like
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”