[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
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watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.