I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.