This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….