me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
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my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Geez man, take it easy.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.