I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
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“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.