Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours