Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO