[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
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People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Boy never ceases to amaze me
This is hilarious….
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.