Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
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Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?