Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
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Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*