i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
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“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
scrabbled eggs
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
[adds another nod to the conversation]