Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Things will get butter, keep churning
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart