Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
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Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
79.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.