“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
You Might Also Like
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.