When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
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[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
A game married people play.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Message from the dog groomers
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better