“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
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[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me