I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
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My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Rambo Rambow
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)