After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
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she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉