Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
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me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.