Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
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I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.