Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress