If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were