Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
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[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
what
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded