[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
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My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
This meeting could have been a cake
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
#JohnTravolta
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.