I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
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[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”