I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
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[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
some things should go without saying
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy