Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
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1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do