Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
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Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I wish all tests were things you peed on
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.