Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
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So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
This hospital has everything